Who do I think I am?

I've taken a notion that I should write down my thoughts, so here's my attempt at breaking those patterns

Do you believe that everything is meant to be?

This substack has been in the making for years. The universe has been sending me many nudges over the years and now it’s time to take the plunge.

I’ve made many a New Year’s Resolution that I’d start writing. Even just a diary. Anything! When I was at school, I created a visual Life Goals on blue paper with a yellow frame and stuck it on my desk. On there, amongst other goals which I’ll likely never achieve, was “write a book”. Who knows if there’s still a book in me, but it’s about time that I started writing anyway.

Finding patterns everywhere

There’s nothing like the enthusiasm of your 3 year old squealing with joy when he finds a pattern. 35 year old me is finding patterns in different ways. A pattern that has chased me throughout my life starts with having wonderful moments of inspiration of what I should be doing. I allow myself to dream and build palaces in my mind of what my life should look like and what my purpose is. Then the fear sets in and I become frozen with indecision. I bury those thoughts and plans down deep in the earth until I feel brave enough to take a peek again.

I read a lot about letting go of what doesn’t serve you anymore and breaking free from patterns. I find this extraordinarily difficult to do. There’s something so comforting in those patterns and what if I let something go that I regret in the future? It’s safer to keep all my thoughts and plans in a nice contained box where nobody can judge me and I can’t fail.

Buried treasure

I decided last week that I needed to woman up and set up a Substack. Trying to post on social media mostly leaves me in that frozen anxious space, but writing some words and building a community on Substack - well, that feels almost within my reach.

As I devised a plan, I had three big belly laughs at my beloved patterns showing up again:

• I opened up my ReMarkable to start writing down some thoughts and what did I find? A year ago I had set up a folder called Substack and in it were some musings on what I could name my Substack.

• I had a flash for inspiration for a post and opened my Notes on my phone to write it down before it slid out of my mind. Guess what? I had a note with 15 ideas for posts in there already. 15?! I had to laugh at just how much I need to build myself up before I can break through that fear.

• I have a very common name. I avoided setting up an Instagram account until 2023 because I simply couldn’t settle on a username. Any acceptable (to me) option using my name was unavailable. Last week I tried to find an acceptable username to set up my Substack and I played around with options of adding in middle names or numbers etc because claireoneill was already taken. Imagine how I tickled I was to find out that it was ME who had set up the username claireoneill previously.

There’s been all those signs from the universe that I am on the right track and yet it’s taken another week to gather up the courage to start writing. I might be in my inner Winter, but it’s time.

Building that palace

This little place for me to take up space is a step towards building that community that I can see so clearly in my mind. Somewhere for like-minded people (or dare I say women) to gather, be held in a doula cuddle and know that they aren’t alone in wanting to challenge societal norms.

Don’t tie me down

I wish I could commit to a regular post. I know that’s what I love about some of my favourite writers on Substack. Yet here I am with that afore-mentioned fear taking grip again. I am too scared to commit to posts once a week. In all honestly, I’m more likely to write when I’ve been monumentally pissed off by an article, a work situation, or a man telling me that utility rooms don’t need windows.

Finding my magic

I’ve written a lot more than expected without giving any insight into what I’m intending to write about. That can be for the next post (whether that’s next Friday or not yet to be determined!). For now, I’m off to indulge myself by listening to The Goddess Path by Kirsty Gallagher while spending a few magical hours in the garden.

Photo by Tamara Menzi on Unsplash

---